Tuesday, January 25, 2011

The Battle

Today is a hard day for me, for some reason. I know we've all been there. I've struggled with doubt and insecurity for as long as I can remember. I made it through adolescence and high school only by the grace of God and some wonderful friends He placed in my life. I sincerely believe that without them, I wouldn't be here today. I was that kind of teenager. Not the really rebellious one, but the insecure, self-destructive one. I believe in God and I believe in Satan. You may not agree and that's okay. I'm writing this for me,  not for you. But both have been very real in my life. Today is one of those days where I feel under attack. I wanted to just curl up in a ball & have a little pity party for myself this morning while Isis took her nap, but oddly enough, I read a status update by Queenie from The Planet Pink on Facebook and it hit me hard. I'm sure she didn't even realize that her words would be speaking to me. In my life, that's how God has worked - through other people.

So here I am, ready to lay bare my doubts and insecurities because sometimes writing is the only way to get it out. Sometimes sharing it on this blog, where it's more often strangers than people in my day to day life who are reading it, is strangely therapeutic. I think there is some comfort in that. I think that's why some mom blogs are so freeing. You're able to just lay it out there and you know that even if someone thinks you're crazy or something thinks you're no one they ever want to be friends with, it doesn't matter because you're not really losing anything but a reader. And I'm not blogging for the numbers.

Becoming a mom has given me a strength that I never knew I had. It has also exposed all my junk that I tried to keep hidden, even from myself. My lack of discipline, my tendency to talk too much & say the wrong thing, my small obsessions with everything from tv shows to dark chocolate M&M's - everything has come into question for me. Because I'm someone's mother. For the rest of my life, there will always be someone who has that deep connection with me, no matter how I choose to use that role, I will always be the mother. You can love or hate your mother, but no matter which it is, it's a big deal. Those feelings go deep. They impact who you are. And only I have the responsibility of becoming the mom I want to be. Whatever craziness is going to come in my future, even with my children, however crazy they may turn out, I will have to take ownership of that.

To be 100% honest, I get scared sometimes because I don't want Isis or any other children to sit in bed questioning their friendships, their future, their past decisions, their discipline and their own little idiosyncrasies. And I really don't want them to be questioning their relationship with me. I think we all want to prepare our children for a life better than the one we had. Not necessarily in the tangible, monetary or worldly success kind of way - I don't care what Isis wants to do with her life. I mean that as an insecure, emotionally flawed, undisciplined, worrier who still carries too much baggage from her past, I want my children to be strong, independent, emotionally mature, disciplined, kind and loyal people who will walk through life with their heads held high.

But I can't make my children do anything. I can only try to cultivate these things in their lives and I believe that starts with what I cultivate in my own. Here's what I'm learning:

I'm learning that choosing a wonderful spouse will make all the difference & keep you from being too crazy when life gets tough.
I'm learning that one true, sincere friend who you can count on is worth so much more than 20 friends who come and go.
I'm learning that my children's future starts with me.
I'm learning that you can't cultivate in others things that you do not yourself possess.
I'm learning that keeping your mouth shut is normally a better option.
I'm learning that everyone has a right to change and you can either adapt or move on.
I'm learning that the future comes one day at a time, but that you'll look back and it will feel like it goes in leaps and bounds.
I'm learning that there is freedom in confessing who you are and where you stand.
I'm learning that the friends who stick around through the bumps and the bruises and the junk of life are absolutely priceless because they are so rare.
I'm learning that Dr. Seuss was a very intelligent man. (Look for a post on this tomorrow.)
I'm learning that I learn more about myself on the days that I feel awful about myself.

What are you learning today?
Have you had a day where you feel under attack?
How do you deal with doubt & insecurity?

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flyrish said...

Beautiful, heartfelt post. I'm sorry that you're having one of those days. I had a really bad one last week, full of self-doubt and one in which I was not being very kind to myself. The pressure we put on ourselves as moms is so tough, so unlike anything else in life. But I agree that it's freeing to write about it, to see other moms experiencing the same sort of feelings. I work day by day at being gentler to myself. When I'm telling Q to be gentle, I'm telling myself as well.

Hugs to you!

vanita said...

excellent post. you are doing wonderful. even as parents, we keep growing, learning, it's the way of life. the fact that you can lay it out there shows your commitment and strength.

Juda said...

We can learn so much from being a mom. It changes us in so many ways and challenges us too. I think that it is through those challenges and changes that we grow the most. Thanks for reminding us to take the time to learn from one of the most important tasks we have - that of a mom.

The Planet Pink said...

Aw Cameron, I'm sorry you were struggling. Unfortunately it's a part of life, and I do fully believe that satan knows when to come in and start picking at the insecurities that we try to keep buried deep. Just keep forging ahead. It's ok to question, that's how we grow. And always always just keep dumping your burdens on God, he can handle it and will give you the wisdom and encouragement you need. Hugs mama!

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