I think it's strange how certain songs can really affect your mood. Music has always been really important to me. For as long as I can remember, it has resonated with my life. I've always been able to describe how I'm feeling using a song, a melody or a lyric. I have loved to find that perfect mixture of songs that would speak more clearly than I could about how a certain experience or moment or time period felt to me. It started with mix tapes, then cds, now it's playlists. No matter what the format, music just affects me. Especially now, for some reason.
I think it's because I'm at the precipice of a major turning point in my life. I am 4 weeks away from becoming a certified teacher. Although as a teacher, you sign up to be a lifelong learner, the foundation of my education will be complete. I will be a real grown-up - complete with husband, baby, mortgage & now student loans. I'm not going to apologize again for slowing down my blogging over this time period, but rather just tell you how incredible this semester has been. I've learned so much & I really believe I've grown in so many ways. There is a long-term sub position in the spring at the school where I've been student teaching. I'm being considered for it & would love the opportunity! But either way, I finally feel completely ready to have my own classroom, my own students and my own place in the education world to really accomplish everything I want to accomplish.
I've been thinking lately about all the experiences that have led to this point in my life. So many successes and failures. Isis is in the midst of learning to stand on her own and maybe someday soon to walk. I feel like she is also at a precipice in her life where she's about to dive headfirst into childhood - no longer a baby. She's had her share of falls during this time and as her mother, I've had to hold back sometimes because you just want to prevent them from falling every time. What I've learned, though, is those moments when she fell & I didn't rush over were the moments she learned how to flip over & jump right back up. I'm amazed at how resilient she is & I hope this is a character trait that she keeps throughout life because I won't be able to prevent her bumps & bruises, whether physical or metaphorical.
I would love to believe that she won't make my mistakes. I would love to believe that I will be able to prevent a lot of her pain. The truth is that I won't. And sometimes I don't know if I really want to. While I'm sure it's hard to believe (ha), I've made some really poor decisions at different points in my life. There were definitely moments when almost everyone I knew was disappointed in me - which paled in comparison to how disappointed I was in myself. To say that those moments weren't unbelievably painful would be a lie, but I can say that my moments of brokenness instilled in me a desire to recover - a resiliency, if you will.
I read a quote one time by Ernest Hemingway that said "the world breaks every one and afterward many are strong at the broken places." This has been true in my life. My brokenness has made me stronger than I ever thought I would be. There are still many areas of my life that will probably be broken before I'm done here, but I've found God to be faithful in His promise that "even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." (Isaiah 40:30-31 - emphasis mine)
I'd like to believe I'm soaring. Or at least that I'm about to.
And I'd like to believe that when the time comes that Isis will make mistakes or face dark moments or brokenness, that I will be strong enough to love her & encourage her, but allow her to deal with it & heal & one day to soar on her own.